A story and update on studio!

Hey you guys.

I have a few things to share with you in this post. I warn you, I share a rather long story.

The first is another collage that I made of my studio! I’m excited about it.

If you saw my last post, you may think that it looks the same but in person it looks different.

As seen here, this collage shows a bit more of my studio.

It does not show all of it however, because one wall is not finished.

If you follow me on Instagram, you would have seen a short video I made of my studio! Sadly, you can only see it on Instagram.

You can find my Instagram page at: https://www.instagram.com/angelasartarea/

I would love to hear your thoughts on any of my posts, etc.

I can only assume that my video was posted automatically on my old Facebook page because that’s simply the way technology works.

Due to technical issues, I haven’t even been able to sign into Facebook. If I could sign into it, I would be able to change everything on my Facebook page.

What is on my old Facebook page was put up after having MAJOR technical issues and having to deal with MAJOR issues offline as well.

I do not know why I can sign into Instagram. Whenever I speak about anything that might be asking for someones help in certain situations and whenever I post something happy, I mainly see ads.

I will do nothing but smile and leave comments because why give whoever is messing with me attention!?

I’d rather not go into what some of those ads imply though but they would not be good things. I tend to think that someone wants to put fear into me but that is not possible because the only thing I fear is fear itself.

Someone may not want me to show happiness for some reason. I don’t know!

I may be completely wrong.

Still at times, I feel as if someone wants me as their own, etc. I get the impression that someone out there is thinking that if they can’t have me, no one can.

At the moment though, they’d be partially right because no one can have me.

I’m not for sale and my heart does not fully belong to anyone.

I also tend to think that these issues also might be because someone does not want me to share a true story or because I speak up for multiple issues that some don’t like.

I’m going to share one story of someone who misled me years ago and made me believe that they would actually help me.

This is simply ONE time that I was taken advantage of but due to My NOT being silenced by fear here goes…

I started to be happy hanging around someone from theatre years ago but found it was a HUGE life lesson, one that was repeated from past abuse.

At the time, I was suffering from CHRONIC headaches that would make me sick around 3/4 times a day!

I thought that my chronic headaches might have had something to do with my health but I was wrong. Due to my landlord, I was smelling urine and feces very strongly. This person denied the smell of it when they were here. Due to that, I questioned myself. As idiotic as it sounds, I did not know that could also make me ill. That is why I assumed that my headaches had to do with my heath and that smell was my imagination.

I later found out that this was NOT in my head though and my landlord had been letting her animals use the bathroom in her house! Still at that time, whenever I spoke up, no one would listen to me due to the fact that I had brain surgery.

Some of my family even KNEW!

I was 100% WRONG when thinking anyone would help save me! After gaining my trust, planning with me, etc. All plans we had made were no longer spoken of. I was left to feel alone, abandoned and forgotten. This happened right after they had lost someone so I kept making excuses for their behavour. The fact that I was suffering was of no interest to this person though. After awhile I wondered why I ever even considered them a friend? When I tried to speak with them, they spoke as if nothing had happened!

A part of me felt crazy, was I making a big deal out of nothing? I couldn’t help but wonder if everyone allowed their animals to use the bathroom in their house?

As CRAZY as it sounds, I DID wonder that and simply did not know if it was me.

My family acted the same, as if I were crazy to even think that was unusual. When I brought up the fact that Bio-One Savannah had to come to take the animal feces away they made sure to tell me that Bio-One Savannah said many places are much worse! THAT simply got me questioning myself again.Was I wrong?

At the same time, I wondered who poisons their family that way though and what friend doesn’t help another out of such an abusive situation like that? Did my own family REALLY love me if they thought that my getting ill from such things was ok?

If I had died, would they have cared?

Due to the fact that the person from theatre knew what had been going on, I was certain they would help me as they promised to.

They wouldn’t lie. I thought.

This happened multiple times over the years with my family and they would never actually follow through with their promises. Although this had happened before, I was still shocked when I had been tricked.

I TRULY believed that this friend cared and would help me.

Due to that, I struggled with how I could have EVER actually believed them but due to my international art family I was reminded that I am never alone.

I was reminded that just because ONE theatre member mistreated me, does not mean that everyone will.

Although I had been mistreated by others as well, many were and are extremely kind.

It was EXTREMELY HURTFUL when my own family would not even emotionally support me. It’s hurtful that they never will act as other families do and be a supportive, loving family. Still, I have accepted that they cannot help the fact that they can never completely change. They don’t know how to and can only change to a point with the help of professional doctors.

I can only accept that and do the best that I can to live away from them because holding on is simply not good for my health. When I can move away to my freedom, I certainly will. Who knows how long I’ll be stuck here but I can make the best of the situation that I’m in and be as happy as possible.

Interestingly enough, those who have taken advantage of me, etc. are still rather close or in contact with my parents or the people who I once thought of as loving parents.

I’m sure that if some in theatre see this, they’d wonder if I’ve made up stories, etc. because surely parents would care if something abusive happened. I agree 100%! MOST parents would care but NOT mine…

Than there’s the fact that my father is someone who has had leads in shows here and has been so nice to others.

That too is 100% true! He has been nice IN PUBLIC! He has even been nice to me on many occasions and each of them were in public. I cannot deny that in public he has been seen as a caring father.

The public sees only what the public is shown though.

He has also lost multiple jobs over the years as choir director due to his temper, etc. I do not know ALL of the details there nor do I care about all of the details there.

In all honesty, my father is an abuse victim and due to that I would often make excuses for his behaviour. He would always remind me growing up that he was taught only to speak when spoken to. He also would always remind me and STILL reminds me of how he had it MUCH worse than me. He most likely did too.

Physical harm created by convulsions from seizures doesn’t count as physical abuse, due to that I’d know nothing of what comes with that sort of thing or would I?

I did NOT receive the worst when he was younger because I’m a girl, I’m the youngest and I was VERY VERY ill. Not that my being a girl should matter because it shouldn’t. That’s what he was taught growing up.

Due to seizures as mentioned, I beat myself up convulsing and NOT a small amount either. I had bruises all over me everyday growing up. I broke bones, etc. and was known in the ER because I went so often. I didn’t do the prom thing or go to games. I don’t have many wonderful memories of sleepovers with my friends, etc.

Most memories I do have are of people abusing me in high school. There were no cops so people just got away with it. Due to that, I have never and never will go to a high school reunion for fear that someones face will bring some horrible memory back.

If anyone ever wonders why I don’t cry. That would be because I don’t have very many tears left.

Due to abuse, I cried everyday after school and my family heard me crying. What got me through at that time was knowing that I’d be going to Choir rehearsals, rehearsals for musicals and movies, shows, etc.

I was like the character Harry Potter waiting to go to Hogwarts. Although I also had quit the nightlife and would sneak out to get away from my alcoholic brothers, etc.

I say alot of this because growing up my brother accused my father of creating the bruises I had by turning him in. I remember how annoyed I got with the person asking me about them.

I had to explain that my convulsing created the bruises I had and they did.

I stand by that even today.

I cannot say that my father never laid a hand on me but he never created my bruises. The main damage he created was and is emotional damage.

Most of my family is just extremely ill. To the point that I fear being around most of them so I haven’t experienced a holiday outside of my studio in awhile.

I do NOT fear being around my father and he has worked on himself alot. His temper still comes out at times but only at times. At the same time, I can’t say that I look forward to being around any close family member.

I’m sure that my siblings resented the attention I got when I was younger to a point and simply would not admit it. That being so, whose to say that all these technical issues aren’t created by one of them?

Plus, in all honesty most of the worst abuse wasn’t even in Savannah, Ga. Some also wouldn’t consider it abuse because it was spanking and scaring us with a belt. There are many ways to teach children though. I tend to think that one is awful.

I was reminded of it when I would watch Harry Potter. In one of the last Harry Potter films a dragon is protecting the banks money. They would make a sound to let the dragon know that pain will come. That’s basically the same thing that was done when we were young. Both my mother and my father (usually my father but both) would snap a belt to scare us and let us know that we were going to be spanked if we didn’t do what we were told. I consider that a form of abuse but not everyone does.

Most things stopped after moving here, except for the short tempers and smacking us upside the head if we made noise eating. That my mother did NOT do but NEVER corrected either.

Most things probably stopped because after my diagnosis my mother would not allow them. Although, today, she has said that’s untrue.

She is very different today and makes up stories, etc. That seemed to happen more after her diagnosis of diabetes. She’d never admit to that though and I think she confuses even herself. I REALLY wouldn’t be surprised if there were gossip going around about me that she created. She doesn’t do that on purpose. I think it’s her illness.

It simply does not matter to them that they know full well of abuse to their own family members though, what matters to them is how others will see THEM.

It’s simply NOT a small thing that only after complaining and complaining to them was Bio-One Savannah eventually called. They helped with masks on and got rid of what my landlord had allowed in the house. How can my family NOT see that it’s anything but normal to need a mask in order to go in a house?!

Today, there is no smell like that but I can honestly say that I’ll never again look at this house in the same way. My landlords STILL make excuses for that so I try my best not to talk to most of them.

My Chronic headaches are gone though but I still struggle with being able to think clearly when around anyone who may bring back memories from some parts of my childhood. If I truly care about a person my brain seems to block them out. Sometimes completely but other times only partially. It all depends.

This is why I believe it important to be able to have the freedom to save up in order to move to freedom. I think it harms my health to live in this location and I deserve to start new somewhere else.

I know that if they truly loved me, they would know that and want the best for me. I miss the thought of loving family but I know that everything in the past was nothing but a facade. I keep going back and forth in taking down old videos showing them because I don’t feel as if they truly care. I don’t think that they truly know how to care. They were not raised to show emotions or that you should show emotions. What they showed this community was fake or partially fake. I was just so ill that I could not see it until now. When I am around them, I have to fake and fool myself simply to get through the day. That can be EXTREMELY HARD some days and often brings on auras so I try to meditate when I HAVE to spend time around them.

I do realise that some LIKE to see people suffer so that THEY can be the ones to help them out of hard situations. That may be the reasoning behind some wanting to cause me technical issues. When I say technical issues, I do not mean small ones either. In ALL honesty, technical issues come with being an artist and I will always, always be an artist.

No one can EVER change that.

You can’t have 100 seizures a day for awhile and NOT suffer though. There is no way! I know what suffering emotionally and physically is like because I’ve been there.

I’m alive!

My point, I already know how to get through suffering.

Helping someone in such a situation is a good story that can capture the attention of others who may follow someone.

I realise that but also realise that it is beyond wrong to gain followers, etc. that way. At least it is in my eyes. I will not allow anyone to gain support by helping me through my sorrow. If anyone is going to pull me out of my sorrow it will be me and a little help from people like Shannen Doherty, Maggie Smith, Ken Page, etc.

Did I note the fact that I’ve never seen so many butterflies in all of my life!? One actually flew right around me today!!! It was seriously just awesome!

I hold my head up high because I know my worth without anyone reminding me of it. I know EVERYONES worth. Male, Female, Republican, Democrat, Vegan, ALL Religions,ALL sexual orientations, etc. EVERYONE because to ME, EVERYONE truly matters. I don’t just SAY that, I live by it.

I’ve also been sharing daily digital works that I’ve created. They’re shared at different times of course but are shared daily!!! I’ll share one now so you’ll see what I’m talking about.

I wanted to share this work because it shows a connection. I tend to think that fits well. Lastly, I wanted to share a recording with you. I hope that you listen to it.

Please let me know what you think. I would love to hear from you here or on my Instagram.

As shown above you can find my Instagram at

https://www.instagram.com/angelasartarea/

Thank you so much if you’ve read this post and thank you if you listen to this recording as well!

Have a wonderful week!

Until next time.

Namaste,

Angela